Back in college, there was an exercise we had to do called I hate, I love. The idea behind it was that the average person could easily list things that they hate far more quickly than the things that they loved. I clearly had nothing to do today, so I decided to do the exercise again and came up with the following list. Most of the items on the list stem from things I see at my office, or from the people who work there. Keep in mind I’m not necessarily saying that I’m cool, but rather these things aren’t.
5. The IPhone
WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: You can access e-mails, high speed internet, and watch videos, all on your phone. And why do you want to do this? Because really, normal people around you are so fucking boring you can hardly bear actually interacting with them.
WHY YOU’RE NOT: I don’t so much hate the phone, as much as I hate the users of it. Most of the time the people who use IPhones typically find some pathetic reason to take it out and find some reason to lay it on the table expecting you to say, “Hey is that one of those IPhones?” and then they suddenly feel the reason to give you a quick demo of all its features. Want to test that theory? Next time you see a person with an IPhone, watch how many times they pull it out of their pocket to check the time. I promise you in the span of 10 minutes they’ll pull it out twenty times in a pathetic, I have no friends attempt for attention.
4. Blue Tooth Headsets
WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: All the other losers have to use their hands when they talk on the phone. Not you! You can talk on your phone and at the same time safely give some loser the finger because they’re only driving the speed limit.
WHY YOU’RE NOT: I don’t give a shit if you’re talking to someone on the other end, when you’re in a restaurant or grocery store, get off the fucking phone already! Its pretty god damn confusing and asshole-ish to everyone trying to deal with you. I cant tell you the number of times I’m in either situation and someone walks by saying Hi, how are you and when I answer them, they look at me like I’m the ass, because I didn’t see the stupid earpiece hanging off their ear. Answer your phone when you have time to hold it in your hand. The only people that should be wearing blue tooth wireless headsets are sci-fi aliens and the people that work the day after thanksgiving sale at Old Navy.
3. PT Cruiser
WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: Its like a car from back in the thirties! Its sleek design and throw back look allows everyone tailgating in the parking lot know that you’re a free spirit who is all about having good times!
WHY YOU’RE NOT: If you’ve ever wondered what a gay transformer would turn in to, wonder no more. Not only do they call a retarded amount of attention to themselves on the road, but show me one person who isn’t under 250lbs driving one (see the picture above if you don’t believe me). There are over 40 of these in my parking lot at work, and there isn’t a single one that isn’t being driven by someone who looks like they need to be pulling the damn thing by a harness.
2. Guitar Hero
WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: Dude, this game totally rocks! I love this song! Hell yes! Welcome to the Jungle, baby! You’re gonna diiiiiiiiiiiee!
WHY YOU’RE NOT: Despite what the commercial says, you do not suddenly turn into Slash when you’re playing this video game. You are playing a child-sized guitar that doesn’t even have strings. It has multi-colored buttons and an on/off button. And playing this video game does not mean you can play the guitar now. If I have to hear someone say I can totally play Anarchy in the UK but actually mean I can totally play Anarchy in the UK on Guitar Hero, I am going to take a pee inside the nearest PS3.
1. Funny Ringtones
WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: A ring tone is a great way to give strangers and coworkers a little peek into your personal life and let them know that your grasp of pop culture is vast. Youre pretty sure that having the Peanut Butter Jelly time song or the Transformers theme song as your ringtone will make those around you realize that you are a the guy everyone else wants to be. There is definitely more to you than meets the eye.
WHY YOU’RE NOT: Having your phone play Right Said Fred’s I’m Too Sexy just makes you look (and sound) like an asshole. And the fact that you let it ring 15 times while you stand there and look around for reactions to your hilarious little joke not only reeks of desperation, but it makes everyone around you want to cram that phone up your taint. Put it on vibrate like every other normal person and keep your witticisms between you and your collection of Star Wars figurines.