Dead man in mortuary impregnates woman

I must admit, when I first read that title I hoped it was from the National Enquirer or The Weekly World News, but sadly this is a true story.   Enjoy! Black Forest Boy

The Rolling Stones said it best, “You, you make a dead man cum.”  A 38 year old female mortuary worker is being held on $250,000 bond after becoming pregnant by one of her clients-a dead man.  The alleged crime took place at the Mourning Glory Mortuary just outside of Lexington, Missouri.  Police have charged Felicity Marmaduke with desecration of the dead and necrophilia.

According to a statement made to police by Marmaduke, the alleged victim experienced a post mortem erection while being bathed.  Being alone, Marmaduke straddled the dead man and proceeded have sex with him.  Much to her surprise, the alleged victim came to orgasm after several minutes.  A few weeks later, Marmaduke had a positive pregnancy test while receiving a routine medical exam.  Upon telling her doctor the circumstances leading to the conception, the police were notified.  Marmaduke was arrested without incident at her dilapidated trailer home a few blocks from the mortuary.

In a bizarre twist, Marmaduke plans to sue the dead man’s estate for child support.

Bedridden fat woman becomes online dating sensation

I would highly advise you to have a bucket on hand while reading this story Black Forest Boy

A thousand pound woman has become a meteoric hit on OKCupid, the popular online dating site.  Half_Ton_Henrietta, the woman’s online screen name, unabashedly advertises her promiscuity on a blanket in her profile picture.

Unable to get out of bed, Half_Ton_Henrietta relies on men she meets through OKCupid not only to feed her, but to empty her bedpan.  Half_Ton_Henrietta’s size has not been a deterrent to having as many as 5 dates per day.  In her online profile, Half_Ton_Henrietta describes her body type as “A little extra”.

Chris Coyne, co-founder of OKCupid, confessed that he had “tapped it” when asked to comment on this story.  Half_Ton_Henrietta also had a confession to make.  “I am only given a bath once a week.”

BFB and The Things I hate the most

Back in college, there was an exercise we had to do called I hate, I love. The idea behind it was that the average person could easily list things that they hate far more quickly than the things that they loved. I clearly had nothing to do today, so I decided to do the exercise again and came up with the following list. Most of the items on the list stem from things I see at my office, or from the people who work there. Keep in mind I’m not necessarily saying that I’m cool, but rather these things aren’t.

5. The IPhone

WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: You can access e-mails, high speed internet, and watch videos, all on your phone. And why do you want to do this? Because really, normal people around you are so fucking boring you can hardly bear actually interacting with them.

WHY YOU’RE NOT: I don’t so much hate the phone, as much as I hate the users of it. Most of the time the people who use IPhones typically find some pathetic reason to take it out and find some reason to lay it on the table expecting you to say, “Hey is that one of those IPhones?” and then they suddenly feel the reason to give you a quick demo of all its features. Want to test that theory? Next time you see a person with an IPhone, watch how many times they pull it out of their pocket to check the time. I promise you in the span of 10 minutes they’ll pull it out twenty times in a pathetic, I have no friends attempt for attention.

4. Blue Tooth Headsets

WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: All the other losers have to use their hands when they talk on the phone. Not you! You can talk on your phone and at the same time safely give some loser the finger because they’re only driving the speed limit.

WHY YOU’RE NOT: I don’t give a shit if you’re talking to someone on the other end, when you’re in a restaurant or grocery store, get off the fucking phone already! Its pretty god damn confusing and asshole-ish to everyone trying to deal with you. I cant tell you the number of times I’m in either situation and someone walks by saying Hi, how are you and when I answer them, they look at me like I’m the ass, because I didn’t see the stupid earpiece hanging off their ear. Answer your phone when you have time to hold it in your hand. The only people that should be wearing blue tooth wireless headsets are sci-fi aliens and the people that work the day after thanksgiving sale at Old Navy.

3. PT Cruiser

WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: Its like a car from back in the thirties! Its sleek design and throw back look allows everyone tailgating in the parking lot know that you’re a free spirit who is all about having good times!

WHY YOU’RE NOT: If you’ve ever wondered what a gay transformer would turn in to, wonder no more. Not only do they call a retarded amount of attention to themselves on the road, but show me one person who isn’t under 250lbs driving one (see the picture above if you don’t believe me). There are over 40 of these in my parking lot at work, and there isn’t a single one that isn’t being driven by someone who looks like they need to be pulling the damn thing by a harness.

2. Guitar Hero

WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: Dude, this game totally rocks! I love this song! Hell yes! Welcome to the Jungle, baby! You’re gonna diiiiiiiiiiiee!

WHY YOU’RE NOT: Despite what the commercial says, you do not suddenly turn into Slash when you’re playing this video game. You are playing a child-sized guitar that doesn’t even have strings. It has multi-colored buttons and an on/off button. And playing this video game does not mean you can play the guitar now. If I have to hear someone say I can totally play Anarchy in the UK but actually mean I can totally play Anarchy in the UK on Guitar Hero, I am going to take a pee inside the nearest PS3.

1. Funny Ringtones

WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: A ring tone is a great way to give strangers and coworkers a little peek into your personal life and let them know that your grasp of pop culture is vast. Youre pretty sure that having the Peanut Butter Jelly time song or the Transformers theme song as your ringtone will make those around you realize that you are a the guy everyone else wants to be. There is definitely more to you than meets the eye.

WHY YOU’RE NOT: Having your phone play Right Said Fred’s I’m Too Sexy just makes you look (and sound) like an asshole. And the fact that you let it ring 15 times while you stand there and look around for reactions to your hilarious little joke not only reeks of desperation, but it makes everyone around you want to cram that phone up your taint. Put it on vibrate like every other normal person and keep your witticisms between you and your collection of Star Wars figurines.

BFB and 8 Awkward moments from my childhood

Growing up was one embarrassing moment after another. Heres a few moments that tend to stand out from the rest.

8. The First Wet Dream

When you wake up from your first wet dream, you’re basically like one of those soldiers in the first twenty minutes of Saving Private Ryan; scared and confused and checking to see if the stuff you’re covered in is coming from your body. After realizing it’s not urine by rubbing it between your fingers and smelling it like an fur trader trying to make sure he’s not getting a fake pelt, it’s clean up time. I’m pretty convinced that if murderers took the time and paid the attention to detail that kids spend hiding the evidence of an unexpected splooge, death row would be empty.

7. Asking A Girl Out

The first time you try and ask a girl out on a date ends up sounding a lot like a Woody Allen monologue. You start off with, “Um, so, um, I was wondering if, like, ya know, maybe you wanted to, like…I mean you’re probably busy, but, like…” and then after three minutes of that you end it with “…and so my friend was all, like, ya know weird and then the helicopter picked them up off the boat…and that’s it.” After you walk away thinking you were totally cool, it slowly dawns on you that you didn’t actually ask her out, but in your nervous desperation ended up telling her about an episode of McGuyver.

6. Getting a Boner in a playground setting

When you’re little, boners, much like hurricanes, are an unstoppable force that comes with little or no warning, leaving you powerless until they’ve run their course. Your only hope is that they happen in unpopulated areas. But sometimes a slight wind mixed with a quick lateral movement during a tag game, causes a boner to rear it’s ugly head. And if you’re not wearing pants or shorts that allow for the “Tuck it behind your belt” method, you’re forced to waddle towards a place where you can sit down, in hopes that pushing your ass out will leave enough open space in the crotch area of your shorts to give your boner some breathing room. Unfortunately everyone can identify that walk, and they suddenly stop whatever they’re doing and point and stare like they’re a group of Japanese tourists on vacation. Then the kid who’s parents don’t pay enough attention to him at home yells out “he’s got a boner!” and ironically adds, “What a homo!”

5. Crapping/Pissing Yourself


Managing bathroom breaks is one of the trickier aspects of being a child. Which is why you see so many young boys running around and holding their wieners like your dad holds the garden hose when he doesn’t want any water to come out of it. But there’s still nothing worse than realizing you just crapped yourself or unloaded a gallon of Kool Aid into your Underoos. The problem is, what do you do after you’ve demolished your pants in a public setting? Most kids just freeze like a deer in the headlights and pretend nothing happened while their minds race over their options, which are: 1) Sit there and pretend nothing happened. Then when someone asks about the smell, blame the retarded kid. Or 2) Start crying. As with most childhood situations, options 1 and 2 usually end up occurring.

4. Crying In Front Of Everyone

Whether it’s because you fell down on the playground or crapped your pants or got caught stealing, everyone has a moment in their childhood where they stood there and let buckets of tears and snot run down their face while making that hiccup air sucking noise in front of all their friends. And after the “incident” is over, your best friends won’t talk to you for at least an hour because they don’t want to catch your shame cooties. No one will actually say the word “dignity” (mostly because they’re too young to know what it means) but from that day forward you will know that you don’t have any.

3. Your First Fist Fight

Somebody’s Transformers binder got stepped on and suddenly a time and location are set and the entire school has found out. Your friends, who have never been in a fight, suddenly have a wealth of combat knowledge to share with you. When you arrive to the location after school, you partake in the ceremonial “calling your opponent a fag” portion of the event for several minutes as you both try and put off the actual fighting part of the fight. But the crowd becomes restless, and suddenly you clamp your fist and swing it towards your opponent like you’re throwing a grenade under water. It lands nowhere near his face like you had planned, and the fight devolves into both of you pulling each others shirts while on the ground, and getting super red faced, as if you’re attempting to shit out a bowling ball. After about twenty seconds of what looks like two kids dry humping, the crowd sees a random adult 200 yards away and scatters frantically.

2. Getting Caught Masturbating

The sheer, heart-stopping terror that shoots through your body when your mom walks in while you’re masturbating causes you to blurt out the the only words you can think of as fast as you can. Unfortunately your nerves have only left you with a collection of ridiculous phrases that do nothing too help your cause. “Whoa, cleaning! Washing…hang on! No, I’m not! Just can’t get my pants on! Stuck! New underwear! I swear!” If you have a hippy mom, she’ll probably try and tell you that what you’re doing is a completely normal bodily function. If you have an uptight mom, she’ll walk out and pretend nothing ever happened. (Pray for an uptight mom.)

1. Walking in on your parents having sex.

Few things in life are as scarring as going to ask your parents if you can go outside to play only to find your father putting his erect penis inside your mother. If the government could make the terrorists in Guantanamo Bay watch their parents boning in front of them, we could get rid of waterboarding. The worst part about it is when your parents see you, they frantically try to pull the covers over themselves and turn away from you, except they haven’t coordinated this, so they each pull different things, resulting in them pulling covers off of another part of their body. This leaves you face to face with images such as the back of your dads nutsack, or your mom’s asshole.

BFB and 40 Things I’ve learned from Ex-Girlfriends.

I’m a firm believer that everything that happens to you in the course of your life, no matter how good or bad, can be a worthwhile learning experience. That said, while recently stuck in a an airport, I began to reflect on previous life choices, particularly some of the relationships I’ve been in.

While some were both good and bad, I decided to ask myself “BFB…what have you learned from them?”

In some relationships, I learned that sometimes loving a woman meant swallowing your pride/ego to sometimes keep the peace.

In other relationships, I learned how to file a restraining order.

In any event,  here’s a small list of some of the things I’ve come to learn from previous experiences.  Some of these are from individual relationships, while others a combination of a particular one.

Enjoy!

-BFB

40. A California Snowball has nothing to do with winter sports, and should be avoided at all costs.

39. Avoid any woman whose father had serious boundary issues.

38. At age 19, Sex on a picnic table in the middle of an apartment complex can give you a whole new level of decadence.

37. If a woman has more than 5 sex toys and one plugs into a wall, there is absolutely nothing you can do for her in the bedroom.

36. At age 13, losing your virginity at a circus will forever ruin you sexually.

35. Watching your drunken girlfriend kissing another drunk girl is beyond hot! Watching your drunken girlfriend make out with her drunk sister is still hot…….but in a horribly disturbing way.

34. Dating a girl exclusively because she reminds you of Sheena Easton is never a good idea.

33. The only time a girl crying during sex is acceptable is if she says oh my god, its too big! If its because her mother died and she “wants to feel alive inside”, you should probably wait a few days.

32. Before dating someone, always listen to how her last relationship ended, and how much property of his she destroyed.

31. Never date a woman whose father used to take her hunting.

30. If your girlfriend easily puts a condom on with her mouth, time to find out what she really does for a living.

29. If you’re in ..Columbus, OH, and you meet a hot Brazilian woman……check the neck, they could be a tranny!

28. It doesn’t matter if you use a ton of lube and several fingers, there is no such thing as a male G-Spot.

27. There really is no reason to ever date a true red head.

26. The size of girlfriends breasts should be used to determine whether or not she completely shaves her pubic hair.

For example, B, C, D cups = perfectly acceptable.

A or less = No. it makes you look like a 12 yr old girl.

25. Any woman who feels completely comfortable taking a major dump while I am attempting to shave at the same time should be broken up with immediately.

24. There really is no reason to ever talk about how many partners you’ve had. Any number greater than two tends to cause serious issues.

23. Any girlfriend who has an elaborate fantasy which under normal circumstances could also be considered assault, should be broken up with immediately. Ive dated women who have had fantasies of rape, being a prostitute and having an angry pimp, and being choked with a belt.

22. If shes ever suggested giving you a blumpkin, break up with her immediately.

21. If shes ever suggested giving her a donkey punch, break up with her immediately.

20. If she collects teddy bears, beanie babies, dolls….pretty much any thing with eyes, end the relationship immediately.

19. If during sex she says smack my ass daddy, its possible rule 39 has violated.

18. There is never an acceptable reason to ever have matching outfits, unless they are sports jerseys and its game day.

17. There really is no reason to ever film yourself having sex.

1. it never looks good

2. It usually looks more like two victims of Cerebral Palsy finding love,

3. If a break up happens make sure you get the tape back!

16. No matter how hot she is, if she reads you a poem she wrote called No where to run, which is about how shell find someone if they ever lie to her, its probably time to end it there.

15. Any woman who feels completely comfortable peeing in the shower….with you in it should be avoided.

14. If after only 3 dates she gets a tattoo of your name and says that she really feels were connected….file a restraining order.

13. If after only dating a month, you find a notebook that has her first name with your last name written over 200 times with different colors…..file a restraining order immediately.

12. There is no such thing as a woman having freckles on her vagina. Time to get the hell out of there and possibly get some penicillin.

11. Never lie and tell her that her Glamour Shots look great. They all have that same ridiculous, hazy; grab my shirt collar pose that just looks retarded.

10. No matter how much they look like it, never ask her if her child is retarded.

09. If they ever say, I’ve always been into black guys every since I saw its probably best to move on.

08. If she has a binder where she keeps the first condom wrapper used with a new boyfriend, its probably best to end it there.

07. If while meeting her parents you overhear her father say I feel so sorry for him while describing the two of you, its probably best to end it soon.

06. What do you do when you call and cancel getting together for the night because you’re not feeling well. Later you awaken to your phone ringing and see that shes called 7 times in the last two hours. You call her back saying Sorry I missed your calls, I was sleeping. She then says, Oh yeah, then why is your light on? If you guessed its time to file a restraining order, you’d be absolutely right.

05. If she says No ones ever understood me like you do and I’ve never felt this way with a man before on the first date, make that the last date you ever have with her.

04. Never answer the question, if you had to sleep with one of my friends, who would it be?, no matter how much she says she wont be upset.

03. If you’re ever watching a porn movie together and she asks Do you wish I looked like that? or Would you like me to do stuff like that?, never answer yes.

02. Pay close attention to how she found out something bad about her last boyfriend. Once an ex told me she pretended to leave her ex boyfriends house, but instead hid in his basement most of the night until he went to sleep and then came out and went through his computer and cell phone. Creepy

01. Having your drunk girlfriend puke and shit the bed while you’re laying next to her will forever ruin your relationship.

00. There is no easy way to tell your girlfriend her vagina stinks.