I’m a firm believer that everything that happens to you in the course of your life, no matter how good or bad, can be a worthwhile learning experience. That said, while recently stuck in a an airport, I began to reflect on previous life choices, particularly some of the relationships I’ve been in.
While some were both good and bad, I decided to ask myself “BFB…what have you learned from them?”
In some relationships, I learned that sometimes loving a woman meant swallowing your pride/ego to sometimes keep the peace.
In other relationships, I learned how to file a restraining order.
In any event, here’s a small list of some of the things I’ve come to learn from previous experiences. Some of these are from individual relationships, while others a combination of a particular one.
40. A California Snowball has nothing to do with winter sports, and should be avoided at all costs.
39. Avoid any woman whose father had serious boundary issues.
38. At age 19, Sex on a picnic table in the middle of an apartment complex can give you a whole new level of decadence.
37. If a woman has more than 5 sex toys and one plugs into a wall, there is absolutely nothing you can do for her in the bedroom.
36. At age 13, losing your virginity at a circus will forever ruin you sexually.
35. Watching your drunken girlfriend kissing another drunk girl is beyond hot! Watching your drunken girlfriend make out with her drunk sister is still hot…….but in a horribly disturbing way.
34. Dating a girl exclusively because she reminds you of Sheena Easton is never a good idea.
33. The only time a girl crying during sex is acceptable is if she says oh my god, its too big! If its because her mother died and she “wants to feel alive inside”, you should probably wait a few days.
32. Before dating someone, always listen to how her last relationship ended, and how much property of his she destroyed.
31. Never date a woman whose father used to take her hunting.
30. If your girlfriend easily puts a condom on with her mouth, time to find out what she really does for a living.
29. If you’re in ..Columbus, OH, and you meet a hot Brazilian woman……check the neck, they could be a tranny!
28. It doesn’t matter if you use a ton of lube and several fingers, there is no such thing as a male G-Spot.
27. There really is no reason to ever date a true red head.
26. The size of girlfriends breasts should be used to determine whether or not she completely shaves her pubic hair.
For example, B, C, D cups = perfectly acceptable.
A or less = No. it makes you look like a 12 yr old girl.
25. Any woman who feels completely comfortable taking a major dump while I am attempting to shave at the same time should be broken up with immediately.
24. There really is no reason to ever talk about how many partners you’ve had. Any number greater than two tends to cause serious issues.
23. Any girlfriend who has an elaborate fantasy which under normal circumstances could also be considered assault, should be broken up with immediately. Ive dated women who have had fantasies of rape, being a prostitute and having an angry pimp, and being choked with a belt.
22. If shes ever suggested giving you a blumpkin, break up with her immediately.
21. If shes ever suggested giving her a donkey punch, break up with her immediately.
20. If she collects teddy bears, beanie babies, dolls….pretty much any thing with eyes, end the relationship immediately.
19. If during sex she says smack my ass daddy, its possible rule 39 has violated.
18. There is never an acceptable reason to ever have matching outfits, unless they are sports jerseys and its game day.
17. There really is no reason to ever film yourself having sex.
1. it never looks good
2. It usually looks more like two victims of Cerebral Palsy finding love,
3. If a break up happens make sure you get the tape back!
16. No matter how hot she is, if she reads you a poem she wrote called No where to run, which is about how shell find someone if they ever lie to her, its probably time to end it there.
15. Any woman who feels completely comfortable peeing in the shower….with you in it should be avoided.
14. If after only 3 dates she gets a tattoo of your name and says that she really feels were connected….file a restraining order.
13. If after only dating a month, you find a notebook that has her first name with your last name written over 200 times with different colors…..file a restraining order immediately.
12. There is no such thing as a woman having freckles on her vagina. Time to get the hell out of there and possibly get some penicillin.
11. Never lie and tell her that her Glamour Shots look great. They all have that same ridiculous, hazy; grab my shirt collar pose that just looks retarded.
10. No matter how much they look like it, never ask her if her child is retarded.
09. If they ever say, I’ve always been into black guys every since I saw its probably best to move on.
08. If she has a binder where she keeps the first condom wrapper used with a new boyfriend, its probably best to end it there.
07. If while meeting her parents you overhear her father say I feel so sorry for him while describing the two of you, its probably best to end it soon.
06. What do you do when you call and cancel getting together for the night because you’re not feeling well. Later you awaken to your phone ringing and see that shes called 7 times in the last two hours. You call her back saying Sorry I missed your calls, I was sleeping. She then says, Oh yeah, then why is your light on? If you guessed its time to file a restraining order, you’d be absolutely right.
05. If she says No ones ever understood me like you do and I’ve never felt this way with a man before on the first date, make that the last date you ever have with her.
04. Never answer the question, if you had to sleep with one of my friends, who would it be?, no matter how much she says she wont be upset.
03. If you’re ever watching a porn movie together and she asks Do you wish I looked like that? or Would you like me to do stuff like that?, never answer yes.
02. Pay close attention to how she found out something bad about her last boyfriend. Once an ex told me she pretended to leave her ex boyfriends house, but instead hid in his basement most of the night until he went to sleep and then came out and went through his computer and cell phone. Creepy
01. Having your drunk girlfriend puke and shit the bed while you’re laying next to her will forever ruin your relationship.
00. There is no easy way to tell your girlfriend her vagina stinks.